[Rachel Kaufmann]

Thanks for the advice.

I am rather a word enthusiast and tend to prefer songs that have pretty long phrases and plenty of big words in them (as long as they are actually saying something of substance) so thanks for pointing out the fact that not everyone feels quite the same way. I will bear it in mind!

[Rachel Kaufmann]

I really like the words other than the one phrase which says “as the hold of death was lost.” Seems a bit odd somehow…

[Rachel Kaufmann]

A couple thoughts… It might be worth fiddling around with the poem in its entirety and seeing if you could even out the meter. Everyone’s technic is different but when I write I generally ad lib it the first time through. Then I go through, count the syllables, see what meter predominates, and play around with it to see if I can adjust the out of kilter lines to the selected meter. If I can’t do it without sacrificing some particularly valued line, then I select a different meter and try again.

“Who left Heaven’s throne, on Himself took alone,

The weight of the world in His hands?”

This bit seems like it could use some of clarification. The concept of taking the weight of the world on himself, and then holding it in his hands are similar, but the juxtaposition of the two lines putting it in different ways strikes my ear as just a tad odd somehow.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

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“Let me live this day, for Thee only, Lord.

Let me count earth’s gain only vanity.”

A couple thoughts… One is that using the same word repeatedly is a very effective poetic technic but in this case the repeat use of only does’nt seem to quite be working.

“Let me lose myself for Thine own accord.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.”

On this one the switch between the modern You and the archaic Thy strikes my ear as a bit odd. If I were doing it I think I’d stick with one or the other (Which ever you happen to take a fancy to.) for the entire piece. ( And I agree that accord should probly be switched for a more apt word.)

[Rachel Kaufmann]

A couple thoughts…

“Be swallowed in the glory of His cross,”

To my ear the word “swallowed” sounds less than beautifully poetic when coupled with the concept of glory and I wonder if changing that one word might be worth considering.

“May those I love the most still stand apart. “

On that one I think it might be worth thinking about rewording the thought to clarify the meaning.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

Thanks for the pointers!

[Rachel Kaufmann]

Ok. Thanks for the pointers!

I agree that it is overly long for a song as it stands. Reading long poems is one thing, singing them quite another.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

8Blessed are those whose paths are peace;

7Whose desire is righteousness.

8Those who show mercy, as their Lord;

7Those when harmed; who only bless.

8Blessed are those whose hearts are pure;

7They shall see Him they confess.

/

8Blessed those who’s hope is the Lord;

7In whose hearts are Zion’s ways.

8Those who are strong in God’s own strength

7Walk in the light of His face.

8Blessed those who dwell in His house;

7Whose song is filled with His praise.

/

8Blessed are those whose robes are white

7Whom th’ Lamb calls as His guest;

8Those who eat of the Tree of Life;

7All those who have stood the test.

8Blessed those who die in the Lord,

7In Him they shall find their rest.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

Have you considered changing the meter to 8s and 7s or 8s and 6s instead of 8/8? It might flow better.

For example:

Blessed are those whose way is peace;

Whose desire is righteousness.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

Thanks for the input!

I guess my thought on the matter of Satan’s ambitions was that it is the immortal souls of men which are his main target, not the material world which will eventually be destroyed anyway.

[Author]

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