As You Have For Me

[Michelle King]

Let me draw near to Your bleeding side.

Let me touch the marks in Your hands and feet.

Let me bear of cross of the crucified.

Let me surrender at the mercy seat.

Let me lose myself as I’m lost in You.

Let me count earth’s gain only vanity.

Let me love You more than my words can tell.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.

Discussion

[Michelle King]

I’m not sure about the line “let me”… suggestions are welcome.

[Lynn Martin]

Hi Michelle, great to see you posting here! When you say you’re not sure about “let me,” do you mean that you’re not sure if you should start every line that way?

I like where this is going, and probably the music will make all the difference as to whether this text sings well or not, since it’s not highly bound. However, I did wonder whether there’s a reason for the order of the lines that you have now. The final line seems like it could be switched with the fourth line and it would make a lot of sense. The progression and theme aren’t super clear, although they aren’t particularly problematic, either.

[Yolanda Lichty]

I’d agree that the last line does seem to belong 4th, but I’m not sure I’d end with “mercy seat.” How’s that for confusing. 🙂

[Michelle King]

Thanks for the suggestions… I added a few changes.

Let me draw near to Your bleeding side.

Let me touch the marks in Your hands and feet.

Let me bear the cross of the crucified.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.

Let me lose myself as I’m lost in You.

Let me count earth’s gain only vanity.

Let me love You more than my words can tell.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.

[Michelle King]

I added a few more changes. I have think it’s finished… thoughts?

//

Let me draw near to Your bleeding side.

Let me touch the marks in Your hands and feet.

Let me bear the cross of the crucified.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.

Let me live this day, for Thee only, Lord.

Let me count earth’s gain only vanity.

Let me lose myself for Thine own accord.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.

[Lynn Martin]

I think this is stronger. The only pick I would have is “accord,” which doesn’t seem to be used according to its meaning. Maybe “Let my life for Your sake be outpoured” or something of the sort.

[Rachel Kaufmann]

<div>
</div>

“Let me live this day, for Thee only, Lord.

Let me count earth’s gain only vanity.”

A couple thoughts… One is that using the same word repeatedly is a very effective poetic technic but in this case the repeat use of only does’nt seem to quite be working.

“Let me lose myself for Thine own accord.

Let me give my life, as You have for me.”

On this one the switch between the modern You and the archaic Thy strikes my ear as a bit odd. If I were doing it I think I’d stick with one or the other (Which ever you happen to take a fancy to.) for the entire piece. ( And I agree that accord should probly be switched for a more apt word.)

[Sherri Steiner]

I like this text! I love short pieces (is that because of a short attention span?) and this one fits that. I also like the parallelism between lines.

In reading this discussion, I don’t think there’s much for me to add yet. I do agree with Rachel on the “You” and “Thine” switch. Keeping a poem consistent is always a good idea.

On the “only” problem, I see why it could sound a bit like filler words. I personally don’t mind it here, but the final decision is yours.

[James Troyer]

Suggestion on this line: Let me count earth’s gain only vanity; Change to: Let me count earth’s glory but vanity;

[James Troyer]

That said, I also wanted to say that I appreciate this poem for its brevity and clarity. Cluttered, redundant, wordy verse is hard to sing; also big, difficult words don’t work well for singing.

[Michelle King]

Thanks for the feedback! I edited it a bit again…

Let me draw near to Thy bleeding side.

Let me touch the marks in Thy hands and feet.

Let me bear the cross of the crucified.

Let me give my life, as Thou hast for me.

Let me live this day, for Thee only, Lord.

Let me count earth’s glory but vanity.

Let my life for Thine be daily poured.

Let me give my life, as Thou hast for me.

[Author]

Replies