The Deceiver

  • Creator
  • #2507

    Rachel Kaufmann

    Any thoughts or advice on this one?

    Lo, the floodgates of hell have been opened,

    The Deceiver now walketh abroad.

    The prize that he seeketh; the souls of men.

    Not that which is of earth and the clod.

    He layeth a trap for the unwary,

    And a snare for the footsteps that roam.

    He waiteth in ambush for to take them,

    As they stray beneath heaven’s high dome.

    For his time it is fleeting and passing

    And the hour of his doom is at hand,

    So he seeketh but to kill and destroy,

    That his victims may be as the sand.

    He appeareth as an Angel of Light,

    To beguile the vain children of men.

    His promise; all the world and it’s kingdoms.

    Power, riches, beyond mortal ken.

    His words fall as soft as the whispering

    Of a thought as it passes one by.

    “Yea hath God said…?” Oh, how subtle a thing

    To deceive; to mix truth with a lie.

    At the art of deception past master,

    To distort and to cast in the shade.

    When man waxes proud in his great folly

    And thinks to shun the price to be paid,

    Then do the very cohorts of evil,

    Line the path to the gateway of hell

    For see o’er it’s fell portal is written,

    “Here to hope bid eternal farewell.”

    He casteth ’round for the key that shall serve

    To lock, to bar heav’n’s gates ‘gainst mankind.

    To loose forever what God hath withstood.

    What God hath loosed, forever to bind.

    Oh soul while the Destroyer is yet free,

    Beware, tho he should promise thee bliss.

    Beware, lest the Tempter should deceive thee.

    Woo thee to the brink of the abyss.

    The armies of heaven stand awaiting

    The sounding of the trumpet of God.

    Then forth shall they ride unto battle.

    Then the winepress of wrath shall be trod.

    No longer shall Satan possess freedom

    To seek for whom-so-ever he may

    For the chains of the judgment shall bind him,

    Forever and ever and for aye.

    ” How long, O thou Redeemer, for how long,

    Must Abaddon be free to destroy?

    How long must the heavens yet be silent?

    How long ‘er the day breaketh in joy?”

  • Author
  • #2510

    A work this long must have taken some time. Kudos. It’s on the long side for a hymn, but could work for an extended choral piece. Your best quatrains are the fifth and the last.

    A few notes of critique.

    • There is some rhythmic irregularity. Much of this could be corrected by modernizing the language. I am not a supporter of modernization, I simply suggest that one be wary of using KJV English in one’s poetry. Much good poetry has been written in this style, but using thee, thou, -eth, clod, dome, ken, trod, or aye in current poetry leads to awkward constructions, especially since that is not the way you typically speak. Eliminating these constructions will clean up multiple places.
    • Avoid forced rhymes – any words that don’t serve the meaning of the poem.
    • The line about the Devil seeking souls, not that which is of the dirt, is unclear. Doesn’t Satan wish to defile all of God’s creation, including material things like trees, gardens, and our bodies?
    • #2512

      Thanks for the input!

      I guess my thought on the matter of Satan’s ambitions was that it is the immortal souls of men which are his main target, not the material world which will eventually be destroyed anyway.

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