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Discussion
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The wisemen of old brought great gifts of gold
Because Mary’s son was a king.
From Orient land brought the stuff in their hands,
And it teaches us now what to bring
The gifts that we hold, *be they silver or gold,
Belong to the great King of kings.
So, share where there’s need, empty self of its greed,
And give back to God everything.
O gloria! O gloria! Worthy the King of all kings.
From far away lands, they brought frankincense,
And incense of worship and prayer.
They bowed low before the child they adored.
They knew it was God waiting there.
Our worship and time, the incense of life,
Unite when we bend low in prayer
And laud Him as Lord, sing praise and adore
The God of all gods ev’rywhere.
O gloria! O gloria! Worthy the God of all gods.
The wisemen brought myrrh to Jesus and her,
Who bore Heaven’s one perfect Lamb.
A sword pierced her soul, though she couldn’t quite know
The death that awaited I Am.
Can we not now die to the self in our lives
In gratitude for Heaven’s Lamb,
Who left Heaven’s throne, on Himself took alone,
The weight of the world in His hands?
O gloria! O gloria! Worthy the Great Sacrifice.
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Replies
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I see what you mean about the line you pointed out, but I’m out of suggestions for it…sorry
Maybe change brought “the stuff” to something else… “the gifts” perhaps, but the line may be a little overused
Just a personal opinion… I don’t like lines 7 and 8. Lines 14 and 15 are some of my favorites though.
Instead of “God of gods”… “King of kings”?
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I thought I had submitted a reply to this . . . but apparently it never sent. I really like the style, and I think the tune will make the big difference as to whether the text flows well or not. A catchy tune that can accommodate rhythm differences will be great.
My main suggestion would actually change it quite a bit–I think what you’re running into is the tight constriction that the internal rhyme is giving you, as in “The wise men of old brought great gifts of gold.” Forcing conformity to that rhyme scheme is what makes some of your lines feel forced. You need to resort to things like “time” and “life”, which don’t share either the exact vowel or the exact consonant, so they don’t really even sound like a rhyme.
I think that would make the most difference and give you freedom to say what you want to say better. But I think it works as it is.
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The melody is quite catchy with the melodic lines arriving at the end of the even numbered lines. You are right about the internal rhyme being confining. I’ll take another look at that. Thank you
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
Yolanda Lichty.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
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A couple thoughts… It might be worth fiddling around with the poem in its entirety and seeing if you could even out the meter. Everyone’s technic is different but when I write I generally ad lib it the first time through. Then I go through, count the syllables, see what meter predominates, and play around with it to see if I can adjust the out of kilter lines to the selected meter. If I can’t do it without sacrificing some particularly valued line, then I select a different meter and try again.
“Who left Heaven’s throne, on Himself took alone,
The weight of the world in His hands?”
This bit seems like it could use some of clarification. The concept of taking the weight of the world on himself, and then holding it in his hands are similar, but the juxtaposition of the two lines putting it in different ways strikes my ear as just a tad odd somehow.
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