[Yolanda Lichty]

I second what’s been said about it’s length. However, as a reassurance, I can hear the tune of a not-very-common Christmas hymn (that I can’t remember the title of) fitting with these words which suggests they are quite singable.

[Yolanda Lichty]

This has a lovely cadence, Rachel, and I like how you circle back to the word “rejoice.”

In line 5, I’m wondering if you want to have “In Him we life and being have” this would give a compound subject for the verb “have” instead of a compound verb “live and have” with the direct object in front of the second verb. I’m sorry to be all grammatical, but the line just feels awkward. I realize the verse alluded to does use the word “live.” (“In Him, we live and move and have our being.” Both lines could work.

[Yolanda Lichty]

I’d be interested in input on the phrase by the *. It seems trite to me. I’d welcome any suggestions of how to change it. Any other input is also welcome.

[Yolanda Lichty]

I like this, Rachel. I’d just say remove the comma after “life” in the phrase “In Him are life and being found.” If you wrote this in the non-poetice way, it would be, “Life and being are found in Him,” which shows that “life” and “being” are two halves of a compound subject. 🙂

[Yolanda Lichty]

I also really enjoy the imagery of the first stanza. This second version does a much better job of showing the passage of time. I will say that the two shorter lines being on the inside goes against the natural flow of hymn tunes. I could sing you something for the first two even three lines, but then returning to a longer line feels strange. That being said, I’m sure someone somewhere could make it work.

I like the message, and the idea that our souls continue to sing even after death, if I correctly understood what you wanted to communicate. Thank you for sharing this.

[Yolanda Lichty]

Thank you for the feedback, Rachel. The line the “weight of the world in His hands” uses the word “in” to refer to the nails that literally pierced His hands. Apparently, I was trying to be too clever and failed to communicate. I will look at this again. 🙂 Yolanda

[Yolanda Lichty]

The melody is quite catchy with the melodic lines arriving at the end of the even numbered lines. You are right about the internal rhyme being confining. I’ll take another look at that. Thank you

[Yolanda Lichty]

Thank you, Michelle for your input. I share the same favourite lines with you. However, I’m actually quite attached to the word “stuff.” I look again at the lines you didn’t like. I’m not sure I’m satisfied with them either.

[Yolanda Lichty]

I’d agree that the last line does seem to belong 4th, but I’m not sure I’d end with “mercy seat.” How’s that for confusing. 🙂

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