[Sherri Steiner]

One other suggestion: stanza 2, lines 1 and 2 could read “They girded on the sword of truth, took up the shield of faith.” It would be natural syntax that way. But if you’re wishing to emphasize the sword of truth, there may be value in the original wording.

I like the flow in this revised version!

[Sherri Steiner]

I like the strength of the repeated ideas here. Also, you have a number of Scripture allusions which is great!

A few problem spots: the rhythm is not an exact rhythm, and stanzas 1 and 2 both seem to be one syllable short in the first line. Also, in stanza 4 there is a split verb phrase at the end of the first line and beginning of the second. Depending on the music it could flow, but if singers take a breath there, I think it would be stronger to rework that somehow.

Love the thought of “a soul ablaze with visions of things as yet unseen.”

[Sherri Steiner]

I like the theme of this piece, Rachel.

I suggest switching stanzas 3 and 4 for better flow, but it’s your choice.

[Sherri Steiner]

I like this second version!

The word “reigneth” in the last line caught me by surprise though, as I read down through it, so I went back, looking for other archaic wording. “Ye” is used just a couple places, but those could be switched with relative ease: “Lift your eyes, you prisoners,” and “Give your/all praise to God most high,” would be options. And then “reigneth King” could be traded for “Reigns our King” or something similar. Of course, these are just suggestions. But personally I think if you could bring these few places into more modern wording, you would have a consistent, fresh exuberance throughout this text.

[Sherri Steiner]

Yolanda, I like the thoughts here!

One thing that I did notice is that the number of syllables per line varies by stanza. Depending on the tune, it might not pose a problem, but if you give the text more work, I’d probably try to standardize that.

Another thing (and this might just be my personal taste) — the title focuses my mind on Jesus’ Name, and then the first line “Forgiven, free — this is the climax of our story” begins by looking at our redemption. I understand that you’re leading into the thought of Jesus being our redemption, but I wonder if you could somehow introduce your main thought in your first line instead of waiting until the third line to mention the Name of Jesus if that’s what you’re centering your ideas around? Just a thought…

Somehow the second line of the third stanza stands out to me; I really like that line! One thought in relation to Lynn’s comment on that first line in the third — maybe “May we who love His Name hold out His grace” to keep it on topic and rhythm?

[Sherri Steiner]

Thanks for those thoughts! Honestly, I wasn’t totally satisfied with the last line of stanza 2 but I wanted to hear thoughts on it before stressing out about finding a new one. I finally rewrote the whole stanza and I’m still trying to decide if it is any better. Here it is.

Lord Jesus Christ, be my heart’s shield.

While knowing You, I cannot fear.

Let life be wild in every field

Or peace prevail; my God is near.

Stanza 3 remains a work in progress; I’m glad for your suggestions there.

[Sherri Steiner]

I wrote this with the tune “Mendon” stuck on repeat in my head. So one question I have up front is this: are there places that flow with that tune but would be awkward with other tunes?

[Sherri Steiner]

I like this text! I love short pieces (is that because of a short attention span?) and this one fits that. I also like the parallelism between lines.

In reading this discussion, I don’t think there’s much for me to add yet. I do agree with Rachel on the “You” and “Thine” switch. Keeping a poem consistent is always a good idea.

On the “only” problem, I see why it could sound a bit like filler words. I personally don’t mind it here, but the final decision is yours.

[Author]

Replies