Menu Close

Let Me Behold

Home Workshop Forums Poem Critiques, Please Let Me Behold

Viewing 1 - 5 of 5 replies
  • Author
    Posts
  • #2581

    Let me behold, though through a glass,

    The glory of the risen Lord.

    Earth’s brightest pleasures all shall pass,

    But Christ remains true love’s reward.

    /

    The soul that gazes on His face

    And knows the God whom he believes

    Can never find a brighter place

    Than where his God for him decrees.

    /

    When love betrays her gracious trust,

    When morning brings her clouded sky,

    Gone is the gold to thieves and rust,

    Sad is the heart that hope passed by,

    /

    Still let me see Your face, O Christ,

    And let earth’s vanity decay.

    Here springs a new abundant life;

    Here breaks the dawn of perfect day.

  • #2582

    I wrote this with the tune “Mendon” stuck on repeat in my head. So one question I have up front is this: are there places that flow with that tune but would be awkward with other tunes?

  • #2586

    Lynn Martin
    Administrator

    I really like this, Sherri! It has depth and sings well, two things that don’t always go together. You stuck pretty carefully to the meter, so I doubt you’ll have a problem using another tune with this song, though I think Mendon works with it well.

    The last line of the second stanza is a bit wooden in both phrasing and meaning. It’s not bad at all, but doesn’t quite match the quality of the rest of this piece.

    The third stanza is a little ambiguous in places. We read that “love never fails,” so when you say that “love betrays her gracious trust,” I assume you mean that those who love can betray. Might it be clearer to say, “When loves betray a former trust” or “When those I love betray my trust” or something of the sort? Not sure. I don’t think this is a problem, but it bothers me slightly.

    “Gone is the gold”–how about “Gone is my gold”? I recognize that this stanza is speaking in the abstract, and I’m trying to make it more specific. But I think specificity is usually stronger.

    These are just minor picks. I really love this text.

  • #2594

    Yes, Sherri. With Lynn I really like this piece. Good work.

    The last line of stanza 2, I think, is fine. I wouldn’t worry about changing it unless something really grabs you as being better. Line 1 of stanza 3 could perhaps be clarified by saying “When human (or earthly) love betrays her trust…” but that is up to you.

    James

  • #2603

    Thanks for those thoughts! Honestly, I wasn’t totally satisfied with the last line of stanza 2 but I wanted to hear thoughts on it before stressing out about finding a new one. I finally rewrote the whole stanza and I’m still trying to decide if it is any better. Here it is.

    Lord Jesus Christ, be my heart’s shield.

    While knowing You, I cannot fear.

    Let life be wild in every field

    Or peace prevail; my God is near.

    Stanza 3 remains a work in progress; I’m glad for your suggestions there.

    • #2605

      Lynn Martin
      Administrator

      I think that improves it a bit. It’s not as wooden as your former stanza 2. The third line is obviously written the way it is so it can rhyme, though. Typically, you want your rhyming words to seem like the obvious choice to end the line, rather than an unlikely word to use. So I’d suggest changing it a bit.

Viewing 1 - 5 of 5 replies

Log in to reply.