- February 4, 2023 at 4:42 am #3146
Forgiven, free—this is the climax of our story,
Redeemed and loved by Jesus Christ alone,
His is the Name that brings our hope of glory,
His is the Voice that guides us safely home.
Though Satan pommels us, engulfing us in shame,
He can’t block out the Light of all the World.
God’s Spirit whispers our adopted name,
Thund’ring in oceans, galaxies, and pearls.
Children of Truth, may we hold out the flame of grace,
Fling wide the door and call the blind and maimed,
“Come take the Bread of Life. Behold the Saviour’s face,
Bow low. Cry, ‘Holy, holy is His Name.’”
There are parts of this that feel problematic to me, but rather than point them out, I’ll wait to see if you find them and agree. All suggestions welcome 🙂
- This discussion was modified 1 year ago by Yolanda Lichty.
- February 8, 2023 at 3:29 pm #3153
Some really good elements here, Yolanda! I would agree, though, with your assessment that there are ways it could be strengthened.
I would hope we are not loved by Jesus alone. Perhaps “Redeemed through Jesus’ love, and his alone” or something of the sort, so that it would be clear that his love is not the only love, but the only redeeming love.
The last line of the second stanza feels like it’s mainly there for the rhyme. But I think integrating it into the thought better would solve that. Perhaps
God’s Spirit thunders our adopted name
In oceans, whispers it in dewy pearls.
This is still not satisfactory, of course. But it ties in the final line, giving it a purpose.
The first line of the third stanza is rhythmically a bit difficult to read. When set to a tune, that may take away some of the issues, but it might not. The line has two inverted metrical feet, which in a hymn-type poem is a bit much. How about, “May we who love the truth hold out its grace”? Maybe not. It’s unclear to me why “truth” rather than some other equally important concept, since this poem isn’t specifically about truth.
- April 2, 2023 at 6:13 pm #3166
Yolanda, I like the thoughts here!
One thing that I did notice is that the number of syllables per line varies by stanza. Depending on the tune, it might not pose a problem, but if you give the text more work, I’d probably try to standardize that.
Another thing (and this might just be my personal taste) — the title focuses my mind on Jesus’ Name, and then the first line “Forgiven, free — this is the climax of our story” begins by looking at our redemption. I understand that you’re leading into the thought of Jesus being our redemption, but I wonder if you could somehow introduce your main thought in your first line instead of waiting until the third line to mention the Name of Jesus if that’s what you’re centering your ideas around? Just a thought…
Somehow the second line of the third stanza stands out to me; I really like that line! One thought in relation to Lynn’s comment on that first line in the third — maybe “May we who love His Name hold out His grace” to keep it on topic and rhythm?
Log in to reply.