Forsaken by His God, O awful place!
Come, darkness, cover earth as sunlight flees.
Hide, hide the Son, the cross. God turns His face
As through this agony He gifts man peace.

/
The Innocent has been condemned to death
And mocked and tortured, bearing all man’s shame.
He thirsts and seeks His God, then yields His breath
And takes away the sin that…

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One other suggestion: stanza 2, lines 1 and 2 could read “They girded on the sword of truth, took up the shield of faith.” It would be natural syntax that way. But if you’re wishing to emphasize the sword of truth, there may be value in the original wording.

I like the flow in this revised version!

I like the strength of the repeated ideas here. Also, you have a number of Scripture allusions which is great!

A few problem spots: the rhythm is not an exact rhythm, and stanzas 1 and 2 both seem to be one syllable short in the first line. Also, in stanza 4 there is a split verb phrase at the end of the first line and beginning of the…

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I like the theme of this piece, Rachel.

I suggest switching stanzas 3 and 4 for better flow, but it’s your choice.

I like this second version!

The word “reigneth” in the last line caught me by surprise though, as I read down through it, so I went back, looking for other archaic wording. “Ye” is used just a couple places, but those could be switched with relative ease: “Lift your eyes, you prisoners,” and “Give your/all praise to God most high,” would…

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Blessed new day of the newborn week!

We come with joyful hearts;

While morning lights the dewy east,

We leave the world apart.

/

Bestow Thy calm and hush earth’s din

Within these souls who dare

To open hearts and let Love in

To calm each troubling care.

/

We wait expectantly to hear

The healing Word of Truth

That faith renewed may conquer fear

And holiness…

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Yolanda, I like the thoughts here!

One thing that I did notice is that the number of syllables per line varies by stanza. Depending on the tune, it might not pose a problem, but if you give the text more work, I’d probably try to standardize that.

Another thing (and this might just be my personal taste) — the title focuses my mind on Jesus’…

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Thanks for those thoughts! Honestly, I wasn’t totally satisfied with the last line of stanza 2 but I wanted to hear thoughts on it before stressing out about finding a new one. I finally rewrote the whole stanza and I’m still trying to decide if it is any better. Here it is.

Lord Jesus Christ, be my heart’s shield.

While knowing You, I…

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I wrote this with the tune “Mendon” stuck on repeat in my head. So one question I have up front is this: are there places that flow with that tune but would be awkward with other tunes?

Let me behold, though through a glass,

The glory of the risen Lord.

Earth’s brightest pleasures all shall pass,

But Christ remains true love’s reward.

/

The soul that gazes on His face

And knows the God whom he believes

Can never find a brighter place

Than where his God for him decrees.

/

When love betrays her gracious trust,

When morning brings her…

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I like this text! I love short pieces (is that because of a short attention span?) and this one fits that. I also like the parallelism between lines.

In reading this discussion, I don’t think there’s much for me to add yet. I do agree with Rachel on the “You” and “Thine” switch. Keeping a poem consistent is always a good idea.

On the…

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