I also really enjoy the imagery of the first stanza. This second version does a much better job of showing the passage of time. I will say that the two shorter lines being on the inside goes against the natural flow of hymn tunes. I could sing you something for the first two even three lines, but then returning to a longer line feels strange. That being said, I’m sure someone somewhere could make it work.
I like the message, and the idea that our souls continue to sing even after death, if I correctly understood what you wanted to communicate. Thank you for sharing this.