So I have two new drafts of this piece. Draft two is a drastic rewrite which has some things I like, but I feel it loses the appropriate penitential character and cohesion of the original. Draft three only has a few minor changes and corrections from the original draft, and seems the most successful to me of the three.
Lyndon, thanks for the suggestion regarding the melody going up to A–I think I like that better than what I had.
I’d love to hear feedback as to which of these drafts you guys prefer!