I like this text! I love short pieces (is that because of a short attention span?) and this one fits that. I also like the parallelism between lines.
In reading this discussion, I don’t think there’s much for me to add yet. I do agree with Rachel on the “You” and “Thine” switch. Keeping a poem consistent is always a good idea.
On the “only” problem, I see why it could sound a bit like filler words. I personally don’t mind it here, but the final decision is yours.
