June 27, 2022 at 1:18 pm #2510
A work this long must have taken some time. Kudos. It’s on the long side for a hymn, but could work for an extended choral piece. Your best quatrains are the fifth and the last.
A few notes of critique.
- There is some rhythmic irregularity. Much of this could be corrected by modernizing the language. I am not a supporter of modernization, I simply suggest that one be wary of using KJV English in one’s poetry. Much good poetry has been written in this style, but using thee, thou, -eth, clod, dome, ken, trod, or aye in current poetry leads to awkward constructions, especially since that is not the way you typically speak. Eliminating these constructions will clean up multiple places.
- Avoid forced rhymes – any words that don’t serve the meaning of the poem.
- The line about the Devil seeking souls, not that which is of the dirt, is unclear. Doesn’t Satan wish to defile all of God’s creation, including material things like trees, gardens, and our bodies?