June 21, 2022 at 1:18 pm #2500
Nice poem, Rachel! I think it fits the tune really well.
- The last line of the first stanza doesn’t fit well with the tune. That’s because it needs to end with a feminine rhyme (something to rhyme with “ALL men” and not just “men”) and otherwise it doesn’t fit the rhythm of the tune.
- I think the second stanza is the best of the three. The ideas and the rhythms flow really well.
- I would suggest not using the same “ever” rhyme the whole way throughout the third stanza. It can start sounding a bit overdone.
- The first and second lines of the third stanza are basically repeated in the fifth and sixth lines. I would try to find a different idea that builds on the same idea rather than repeating it.