You use some really good images, Rachel, which makes a big difference to whether a poem works or not. In general, this has a flowing rhythm, and I think it’s got a predictable enough rhythm that it could be sung easily. It’s not your typical hymn subject, but it’s devotional and thought-provoking, so I think it would work well as a church song.
Two things. I would suggest shortening the poem. You could make the same point using only three or four stanzas rather than seven. Too much repetition of the same idea can cheapen a poem, and just having two or three examples of the need for truth would get the idea across well–and perhaps significantly more powerfully. You could choose your best stanzas and get rid of the rest. Of course, that’s hard to do!
Also, there are a few lines that don’t flow well, like “That by faith man should not walk alone.” The rhythm is a bit bumpy, and I would suggest making it more predictable. Here’s a tip. If you find it hard to spot the bumpy lines in your own poetry, have a friend read the poem aloud, and see what they stumble over or find hard to say. If they find something hard to say the first time, that might not be a problem. But if they find something hard to say after two or three times of reading through, that line should be fixed.
