I thought I had submitted a reply to this . . . but apparently it never sent. I really like the style, and I think the tune will make the big difference as to whether the text flows well or not. A catchy tune that can accommodate rhythm differences will be great.
My main suggestion would actually change it quite a bit–I think what you’re running into is the tight constriction that the internal rhyme is giving you, as in “The wise men of old brought great gifts of gold.” Forcing conformity to that rhyme scheme is what makes some of your lines feel forced. You need to resort to things like “time” and “life”, which don’t share either the exact vowel or the exact consonant, so they don’t really even sound like a rhyme.
I think that would make the most difference and give you freedom to say what you want to say better. But I think it works as it is.
