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Discussion
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Any feedback or tips for improvement will be appreciated.
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Replies
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I think this text and tune are sound, and I enjoyed singing it. The melody carries the text well and is memorable.
I could wish for a bit more bass movement in measures 2 and 7. Also, the harmony in measure 9 feels a bit drab; I’d suggest more traditional harmonic progression there, but it could be just me.
I agree with Rachel, and suggest that you switch the archaic pronouns to “you” instead. I think that will flow well.
I’d also suggest changing “severe mercy” because “mercy” doesn’t fit with the meter.
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Thanks, I’ll update the pronouns to 21st century usage. (Unless upgrading pronouns makes me woke?????????)
Also, Lynn, what would you recommend changing “severe mercy” to? I posted this poem on a small writer’s group I’m on and those two words caused discussion on there as well.???? I ended up keeping the term because I think it sounds cool and the jarring out-of-meterness fits the subject in my opinion, which was actually why I inserted it in the first place. ????
I may as well confess my ignorance immediately. What exactly do you mean by more traditional harmonic progression for measure 9?????
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Oops, forgot to reply earlier. I think “severe mercy” can work, and I can’t think of anything better.
I forget how one talks about chord progressions in minor, but some form of ii-iii-vi is fairly typical, if you know what I mean. You might not be able to do that here without changing the melody, but the biggest thing that I found unsettling was the next-to-last chord, which I think would be better as ii.
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Hi Evan! I’m really liking the natural minor/modal feel of this piece. I wish I was more knowledgeable about modal writing. I love the sound, and occasionally dabble, but traditional major and minor are safer territory for me! 🙂
I do wonder if the voice-leading could be a little cleaner in a few spots. The bass and tenor movement in measure two feels muddy to me, and uncomfortably much like parallel octaves. It also leads to parallel fifths between soprano and bass on beats three and four.
In measure five my ear likes it better if the tenor goes down to the a for the first two beats, doubling the bass. going up to the c immediately seems muddy to me because of the soprano line. Similarly, the last beat of measure eight, the alto jumps up to c, while the bass is on d without a resolution of the seventh.
Thanks for sharing!
Gary
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Here, finally, is the at-this-point-completed version of this piece.???? Wendell Glick helped with the timing and some harmonic issues.
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