Nice choice of text, Ben.
There are two things I notice initially.
One, you might determine how you want your 6/4 meter to be divided. 6/4 is a sort of ambiguous meter; it can be felt as being in 2, or in 3. Some of the measures in this piece have 3 half notes, meaning they feel like they’re in 3. Other measures, the last three measures for example, are best felt in 2. It’s ok to have some syncopation, but on the whole I think you should determine whether to divide the measures in two or in three, and then stick with that for the whole piece. 2 is the best choice, I think, for this piece, but I’ll let you make that call.
Two, you might think about your harmonic rhythm – that is, how often your harmony is changing. Try to make the harmony change only once a measure or twice a measure. However often you change it, the important thing is to establish a pattern.
I like your idea! I’d be curious what others have to say.
